(originally written in March 2003)
10. In Louisiana, drinking is strictly a social activity. In Russia, drinking is necessary to keep warm during the winter months.
9. In Louisiana, a snowball is a white fluffy object served as a tasty summer treat for six months out of the year. In Russia, a snowball is a white fluffy object that kids throw at each other for six months out of the year.
8. In the Russian language, there are at least fifteen different words for snow. In Louisiana there are none because IT NEVER SNOWS!!!!!
7. In Louisiana, “White Russians” are only found in bars on Bourbon Street. In Russia they’re everywhere.
6. In Louisiana, there are major interstates that are in worse condition than some of the roads in Russia. In Russia, there are no interstates.
5. In Louisiana, the first frost of the season usually occurs around the middle of January. In Russia, it usually occurs around the middle of July.
4. Remember the nursery rhyme “March winds bring April showers and April showers bring May flowers”? In Louisiana, January winds bring February showers and February showers bring March flowers. In Russia, May winds bring June showers and June showers bring July flowers.
3. In Louisiana, any location on the same latitude as New York or Chicago is considered “up North.” In Russia, any location on that latitude is considered “down South.”
2. In Louisiana, the phrase “in October while the weather’s still decent” means “while it’s still warm enough to wear shorts.” In Russia, it means “while it’s still warm enough to go outside without a heavy coat and a ski mask.”
1. Louisianians look at stock news footage of Russian parades and wonder how on earth people can ride on those missiles and throw beads. Russians look at stock news footage of Louisiana parades and think Louisiana’s ultimate weapon is a 15-foot-high papier-mache gorilla that we send over to pelt them with beads.