It has been a longstanding policy here at Everyone’s Entitled to Joe’s Opinion to comment rarely, if ever, on the doings (or misdoings) of Atlanta sports franchises. Atlanta has a longstanding worldwide reputation for the complete and utter ineptitude of its sports franchises, so any energy spent on caring for any of these teams is completely and utterly wasted.
But recent events have forced me to make an exception to this policy. This week, the ineptitude for which Atlanta franchises are so well-known has sprouted wings and risen to heights previously deemed unattainable. This was not just a passive, harmless display of ineptitude that you can just ignore and go on about your merry way. This was the kind of ineptitude that jumps out directly in front of you, grabs you by the throat, and pile-drives you to the ground.
No Atlanta sports franchise has ever failed as egregiously as the 2011 Atlanta Braves, and there have been some excruciatingly bad Atlanta teams over the years. Very few teams in the entire history of organized sports have ever failed as egregiously as these Braves. Today the entire world is laughing vociferously at the city of Atlanta and shouting “EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The only people who aren’t live in Boston, and they have their own problems.
Three weeks ago the Atlanta Braves led the wild card race by 8 1/2 games over the St. Louis Cardinals, the nearest competitor. Today the Atlanta Braves have all cleaned out their lockers and headed home for the year; postseason starts next week and it is the St. Louis Cardinals, not the Atlanta Braves, who will be playing.
Three weeks ago the Atlanta Braves were on pace to win well over 90 games this year. They never made it to 90.
In the process they got swept by their two biggest competitors, the St. Louis Cardinals and the Philadelphia Phillies, and lost three consecutive series to the flotsam of their division (the Mets, Marlins, and Nationals).
This is right up there with the infamous Pholdin’ Phils of 1962, and many comparisons have been made between those Pholdin’ Phils and these Pholdin’ Braves. But there is one pesky little item here that shuts down that discussion: The Pholdin’ Phils had to win their division in order to qualify for postseason play. All the Pholdin’ Braves had to do was finish first among runners-up, and they failed to manage even that, even after being spotted an 8 1/2 game lead over the nearest competitor.
City of Atlanta: You just got completely and totally punked by your Braves. Punked egregiously in a manner that no other Atlanta team has even come remotely close to duplicating. Punked in a manner that very few teams in the entire history of organized sports have done to their fan bases.
Rise up in revolt, my fellow ATL-iens!!!!! These worthless dogs are no longer worthy to walk the streets of our fair city, or to wear the now-tarnished name of our city upon their uniforms. Run them out of town, far, far away from here. Bring in others who will better wear the name of our city.