Aloysius Offers His Take on the Coastal Carolina Game

[Early indications are that the 2011 season is going to be quite dismal for Georgia.  If things continue on the present trajectory, then I will be slitting my wrists by the end of the season, as will many of you fellow Georgia fans, I bet.  For this reason, I am turning over the writing of all Georgia game-related posts for the remainder of the 2011 season to Aloysius, our Executive Director of Sports Information here at Everyone’s Entitled to Joe’s Opinion, kinda like Mark Richt turned over all the offensive playcalling responsibilities to Mike Bobo a couple of years back.  Hopefully this will work out better than that did.  For all the honey Aloysius consumes around here, it’s about time I started making him earn his keep. 

Bears usually have a hard time with computer keyboards, so I will type these in for him myself.  But other than that, what follows is exclusively his words and his opinions.]

OK, so Joe wanted me to write a little something about the Georgia-Coastal Carolina game this weekend.  Funny, that.  He was gone all day Saturday (I presume he was at the game–at least that’s what he told me–but I have no way of knowing where he really was), but he didn’t bother to bring me.  Something about teddy bears not being allowed inside Sanford Stadium, he said.  Yeah right.  Alcohol isn’t allowed in Sanford Stadium either, but fans have been finding ways to get it in there for years.  If he had wanted to bring me, he would have figured out a way.  I know the truth–he just didn’t want to bring me.

Honestly.  These humans are so funny.  When they’re young, they don’t have any problem with carrying teddy bears around with them everywhere they go.  But when they get older, for some bizarre reason they have all the trouble in the world with it.  I just don’t know.  I’ll never understand it, no matter how hard I try.

So I had all of Everyone’s Entitled to Joe’s Opinion International Headquarters to myself today.  Since Joe couldn’t be bothered to bring me with him, I just sat back and ate honey and watched football all day.  (Joe will find out when he goes to look for honey and finds that it’s all gone.  I don’t care.  He can deal.  Grrrr.)  Actually I didn’t watch it, since Joe is too cheap to pop for a large screen hi-def TV.  I listened to it on the radio.  Scott Howard is such a [expletive deleted] DOOFUS!!!!!!!!!  Last week Sanders Commings sacked the South Carolina quarterback, and Scott Howard said “He never saw it Commings.”  What a doofus.  I swear, if I’m ever out in the woods and I see Scott Howard coming, I’m going to eat him up.  Grrrr.

So I did a little research on Coastal Carolina today.  Their mascot is called the Chanticleers.  For those of you who don’t know what a Chanticleer is (I didn’t know until today), it is some crazy kind of rooster.  This meant that at least Georgia could break its losing streak against poultry with a win today.

And win they did.  Boy, did they ever.  The score was 59-0 by the end of the third quarter, and I think that’s how it ended.  I’m not sure.  I was just so consumed with the idea of hunting down Scott Howard in the woods and pinning him to the ground and sinking my claws into his [here Aloysius goes into exceedingly gruesome detail about what it would be like to eat Scott Howard alive.  Not that I would mind seeing any of these things done to him (personally I would settle for pinning him to the ground and making him squeal like a pig like they did in Deliverance), but my readers would probably find these descriptions a little too graphic for their taste] that I really wasn’t paying much attention to the game during the fourth quarter.

Coastal Carolina plays in Division 1-AA (I believe Football Championship Subdivision is the newfangled term for it these days), in the Big South Conference.  Their conference schedule includes the likes of Gardner-Webb and Presbyterian College.  I’d hate to see what Georgia would do to either of those teams.  Big South Conference:  You are the gum under the SEC’s shoe.

Against that schedule (with the once-a-year Division 1-A opponent thrown in just for good measure), Coastal Carolina is a pretty fair-to-middlin’ team.  Their record was 6-6 last year and 5-6 the year before.  Georgia fans:  If you really want to win championships, maybe your team should move to the Big South Conference.  Looks like your team would dominate that.

Georgia fans:  You have a right to feel good this week.  You’ve earned it.  I know it was only a win over a 1-AA opponent, but you haven’t had very many wins of any kind lately.  And 59-0?  It takes some amount of effort and pride to put up numbers like that, even if the team that got the 0 is nothing more than an assemblage of spare parts from high school teams around the area.  Go ahead and say it.  No Georgia team has ever put up numbers that big on anyone since you beat Northeast Louisiana 70-6 back in 1994.  I only hope this is more of a launching pad for you this year than that was for Ray Goff (for some reason Joe always calls him Ray Goof).  Say it loud, say it proud:  You now rule over all Chanticleers everywhere, in any shape, in any form.

It has been over nine months since your team could celebrate a win of any variety.  In that time you have contrived to lose in every conceivable way, it seems.  A lifeless loss in a lower-tier bowl (God how I love alliteration!), a body-slam by Boise, and a woulda-coulda-shoulda last week in which you went to excruciating pains to lose a game that it would have been much easier to just win.

Yes, you needed this.  Not that this win would launch you into BCS contention (heads up:  It won’t), but you needed it for therapy.  Just to remember what it feels like to win a game.  Plus, your team was making enough mistakes on both sides of the ball that you needed this game to work those out before jumping back into your conference schedule at Ole Miss next week.

Speaking of which:  Ole Miss just got punked by Vanderbilt this week.  I’m totally hating life for them right now.  And I will totally be hating life for Mark Richt if he loses to them next week.  I’m sure Joe would agree with me on that, at least.