I’ve been having a crazy dream lately. I’ve been dreaming that one day I could know and love a woman intimately for the rest of my life.
Okay, I’ll admit it. A lot of this dream is selfishly motivated. I want a woman who will accept me unconditionally for who and what I am, and stand by me no matter what. It would be nice to know that I could be a complete and total jerk, and the woman I love would still love and accept me no matter what. There are some men out there who want this in a woman, and then they actually turn out to be jerks. I would hope that I am not one of those men, but you never know.
Also, I want to make something of myself. I want to show the world that I do belong here and that I do have what it takes to fulfill the adult responsibilities that are expected of the vast majority of American men–namely, to marry and produce a stable, respectable, prosperous family with children who will grow up to make a difference in our world, more of a difference than I ever could.
This takes on special force in light of my autistic condition. Maybe I could take a pass on some of the expectations of responsible adult life in our society, but that is not something I want to do. I don’t want to disengage from our world and sit around like Rain Man, watching Judge Wapner reruns and reading the telephone directory all day long. I want to make something worthwhile of myself. And in our society, the way to do that is by stepping up to fulfill the expected adult responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. It would mean an awful lot to me to know that I have what it takes for this.
I’m also getting tired of all those things in my mailbox addressed to “Current Single Resident”. I’m tired of seeing all my friends–even those who are significantly younger than me–get married off, and wondering why I apparently lack what it takes to join the ranks of the happily married. And I’m tired of the heavy emphasis in evangelical Protestant-dom on marriage and family values, tired of wondering what place there is in this world for me and my family of one.
Yes, a lot of my motivation is selfish. But I’d also like to think that some of my motivation is noble.
You see, I also want the opportunity to offer myself to someone special, and to know that what I have to offer is wanted by her and that it is enough to meet her needs for love, warmth, and acceptance. I want to know that I could be a blessing to someone out there by loving her in the way that it is natural for me to love, and that she would want to be blessed by that love.
There is a line in a song by Anne Murray or Helen Reddy or one of those 70s female old-school folk/country singers that goes like this: “Even though you ain’t got money, I’m so in love with you honey…And in the morning when I rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes…” That line is a myth. There are no women out there who believe that. At least not that I know of. I could be wrong about this; I hope I am.
I have heard horror stories about women who are “golddiggers”, who want to marry super-rich men who will provide them with nothing short of the finest clothes, the finest jewelry, romantic evenings at the finest restaurants, exotic vacations to the finest destinations, etc. I recognize that the vast majority of women are not like this; however I am certain that they expect the man in their lives to at least be able to provide financial security and a decent standard of living for them. And in American culture, we have set the bar ridiculously high as far as what constitutes financial security and a decent standard of living. This is evidenced by the fact that the average American is somewhere in the top 5 percent of world wealth. Even the homeless guy living under the bridge is in the top 20 to 30 percent of world wealth.
At this point in my life I know that I don’t have what it takes to rise to the level of providing what American culture considers to be a decent standard of living and an acceptable level of financial security. But I believe that life is more than money, and that the true worth of a man does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. I believe that even the homeless guy living under the bridge has the capacity to provide a meaningful relationship to a woman if he has love in his heart and is committed to using the resources at his disposal to be a blessing to her. I know there must be someone out there somewhere who is willing to receive the love and the blessing that I wish to offer, even if it does not come in the standard American package of wealth and possessions.
It takes tremendous creativity and ingenuity to convey love on a limited budget. But I believe it can be done. I would welcome this challenge, and I hope that one day God would find me worthy of it.
I have attempted to pursue relationships with women in the past, where my love, acceptance, and concern were not wanted beyond a certain point. Once I exceeded that point, they let me know that I needed to back off and give them space. One went so far as to say that my attempt to pursue relationship with her was disrupting her pursuit of intimacy with God.
It hurts to know that the love I desire to bring is not wanted. And it really hurts to know that I want to be a blessing to someone and that the only way I can be a blessing to her is to make myself as scarce to her as possible.
We all have boundaries and limitations as far as what we are willing to put up with from other people. When we violate these limitations, the consequences for our relationships with other people can be dire. I have found this out the hard way. Because of my autistic condition, no doubt, I lack the ability to discern nonverbal cues by which information about boundaries and limitations is usually transmitted (such as energy, body language, body posture, mannerisms, etc.), which any normal person would be able to discern. And so I just keep on going, until I am so far beyond the limits of what other people are willing to put up with from me that the resulting relational damage is irreparable.
The other side of this is that I give off nonverbal cues myself. I project a certain energy in the way that I carry myself; I have body language that I give off inadvertently through my body posture and mannerisms. People pick up on this whether I want them to or not; these cues betray the truth about me in spite of whatever I may say to others and do for others. And when I get close enough to people for long enough that they are able to discern that the truth about me which my nonverbal cues betray is at odds with my exterior words and actions, they pull away.
Still, I have this crazy dream that I could actually be a blessing to someone out there by sharing love from my heart, and that she would be blessed and honored by receiving the love that I would bring. Could this be a realistic dream? Or should I, as Sammy Hagar said sometime back in the late 80’s, “dream another dream, this dream is over”?
