[UPDATE: Both of these posts, Part 1 and Part 2, are now closed to comments. For some bizarre reason that I am at a complete loss to comprehend, the comment spammers have fixated upon these two posts as the primary target of their attack. I just got tired of dealing with this, so I figured it would be best for me to just shut the whole thing down. Besides, I figure that by now, anyone who has anything worth saying about these two posts has probably already said it. Sorry for the inconvenience.]
Today we are very excited to have with us a longtime friend, Billy Phenix. Billy Phenix is currently the high school pastor at Buckhead Church. I have known him for several years, ever since he was the singles pastor at North Point. He was very interested in an earlier post about autism on this blog, and he wanted to come and ask me some questions on that subject.
BP: This is a general question, I know, but… What does it feel like to be autistic?
JD: I don’t do very well with general questions, but I will try to take a stab at this one.
It feels…GREAT!!!!! No, I don’t know. I do know that there is something about me, something deep within me, that is profoundly different from what I see in other people. Sometimes I feel that it is something profoundly wrong, which must be changed in order that I might be able to have proper relations with other people. But the more I think about it, the more I think that even if there was a way to cure my condition (if you could call it that), I would not want it because it is such a fundamental part of what makes me who I am.
BP: You just said… “But the more I think about it, the more I think that even if there was a way to cure my condition (if you could call it that), I would not want it because it is such a fundamental part of what makes me who I am.” That is such a powerful statement. I’d love it if you could give us a few more sentences or thoughts on how it has defined you and more on why you think that you wouldn’t want to change.
JD: I think that part of my condition is a deep, abiding awareness that I am different from others. Because of this, I feel a lot less restraint in expressing whatever happens to be on my mind. Whereas most people would not say certain things out of fear of what others would think, I usually do not have this fear because I know that I am different, I think that others know it too, and therefore I have nothing to lose.
I think that if I did not have this condition, very much of the way that I express myself through writing and speaking would be different. There are a lot of things that I probably wouldn’t say, out of desire to preserve the appearance of normality in my life. I just can’t see myself like that.
BP: What is the connection / relationship between autism and intelligence? (I think many people think that autism is similar to mental retardation, which it is not).
JD: You are right about that. Autism is not the same thing as mental retardation. With mental retardation, all areas of the brain are affected in such a way that they do not develop properly. But with autism, it is only certain areas of the brain which do not develop properly, while other areas develop significantly beyond what they would in a normal person.
An example of this is the autistic savant played by Dustin Hoffman in the 1989 movie Rain Man. He was so profoundly affected by autism that he had to live in an institution, yet his perceptual ability pertaining to numbers was so well advanced that he was able to perform amazingly complex arithmetical calculations quickly in his head, and instantaneously count large numbers of toothpicks or playing cards.
In my case, my mathematical ability is perhaps slightly better than that of the average person, as evidenced by my ability to make it all the way through college with a degree in math, but it is nowhere near the level of Rain Man. I can’t count cards; I can’t perform complex calculations instantaneously in my head. I do have perfect pitch. I also have a very strong sense of direction. I have a detailed mental map of Atlanta (or any other place where I happen to be) in my head, and I almost always know where I am on this map. I also have a photographic memory, though it is visually based. What I mean by that is this: Most people who have photographic memory are able to look at a page of text (i. e. a page out of the phone book) and then remember what the text says. In my case, I look at a page of text and I can remember the way the text is laid out on the page, what the letters look like, how big they are, etc. but not what the text actually says. In order to remember what the text says I would have to put the same effort into it as a person without photographic memory.
I do not think that these abilities would be present in a normal person. At least not in the vast majority of normal people.
BP: Could you explain what perfect pitch is? A lot of “non-musical” people don’t know what that means.
JD: Perfect pitch is the ability to hear some musical tone and know what pitch it is. It is something you are born with; most people do not have it. Experienced musicians who do not have perfect pitch can learn to identify the pitch of musical tones that they hear, but this usually takes lots of work. Musicians who have learned to identify pitches in this fashion are said to have “relative pitch”.
BP: What situations are most difficult for an autistic person? What are some specific examples from your life that are/have been difficult?
JD: The most difficult situations in my life have been those which involve interacting and relating with other people. Everything from something so simple and routine as ordering lunch at McDonalds, which can be an adventure for me if things do not go the way I expect, to something so complicated and fraught with danger as attempting to pursue a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
One of the areas in which I am most profoundly affected by autism is in the area of language and social skills. As a result, I lack a lot of the intuitive knowledge which others seem to have as to how to connect and relate with other people. Thus, when I am around other people, I want to connect and I want to engage, but I am not sure how to do it.
As a result, I have adopted a manner of relating with people which has caused me to be well-known and well-liked, but I fear that it has hurt me in that people are not willing to take me seriously. For example, consider Ted Turner. He is very well-known and well-liked by many people in Atlanta and around the world, as evidenced by the success of his cable networks. But could he be elected president? I don’t think so. Most people think of him as a buffoon who is willing to say and do anything, no matter how outrageous, to attract attention to himself. As a result, people are willing to be amused and entertained by him, but they are not willing to trust his intellectual sincerity enough to want to hear what he would have to say on issues of state, domestic and foreign policy which the President would have to deal with.
Also consider Huey Long, governor of Louisiana back in the 1930s. His whole approach to political campaigning was summed up by the following quote: “Keep them talking about you. In a couple of weeks no one will remember what you said, all they’ll remember is that you said it.” Huey Long turned out to be very successful as a politician, but he, like Ted Turner, is remembered as a buffoon who was willing to do anything, no matter how outrageous, to attract attention to himself. And the state of Louisiana was not taken seriously by the rest of the country because of their willingness to elect Huey Long and other buffoons like him to the office of governor. This perception has hurt Louisiana for several decades, right down to this present day.
Anyway, those are examples of how someone can be well-known and well-liked, but not taken seriously by others. That is one of my fears in relating to other people; that I am building up a persona which may be very likable, but nonetheless not worthy of serious consideration.
Another fear I have is that I am getting it all wrong in my manner of relating with other people, especially those of the opposite sex. One aspect of my condition is that I lack an intuitive grasp of the limits of what other people are willing to put up with from me, or how to discern those limits intuitively. As a result, I have frequently overstepped those limits, in the process doing great harm to my relationships with people whom I respect and admire very much.
BP: About your fear that people “like you” but don’t take you seriously: I’m curious what that looks like. In other words, is it that they love to say “Hey Joe” and slap you on the back and ask “What’s up?” and never go deeper or is it that they think that you are shallow and have nothing substantial to offer because of the way you come across? To turn the question around, what do you wish that people would know or how do you wish they’d treat you differently so that you are taken more seriously? The reason that I am pushing you to answer this well, again, is because I think it will really help people approach you better and, in the end, be blessed by your friendship as I have been.
JD: The reason why I used the Ted Turner and Huey Long examples was to show that it is possible for people to be well-known and well-liked but not taken seriously, and to try to give an idea what that would look like by using real-world examples.
In my own life, I will give a couple of examples. In college I was involved with a campus organization for debate and public speaking. This organization has been around for a long time and has a very rich history and tradition. When I first petitioned for membership in this organization, I was rejected–a very unusual occurrence. I suspect that part of it had to do with the fact that the person who first brought me there was not very popular there. But I also suspect that a lot of it had to do with the way I presented myself during those first few weeks between the time I started attending and the time I petitioned for membership.
Another example: While I was in college, I had a couple of close friends from the campus ministry that I was involved with tell me that other people in that ministry were very uncomfortable with the way I conducted myself in social situations–and that some even thought I might be demon-possessed. Now the ministry that I was involved with was very charismatic at that time, and the people who said this were speaking from within a viewpoint that was common in charismatic circles then–namely that many personal disorders and abnormalities can be traced to demonic possession or influence. Be that as it may, the important point is that these people were using their own mode of expression to say that there was something about me that was just not right, and it made them uncomfortable and ill at ease around me.
The closest friends I have are people who have known me well for a long time, who maybe have felt uncomfortable or ill at ease around me, and yet have determined that I am a worthwhile person with something positive to offer. I appreciate it very much that these people have been willing to stick around, and I think that’s what I would say to those who may be put off by the way I come across.
BP: If you were to coach someone on the best way to communicate/interact with a person with autism (and specifically you), what would you say?
JD: I don’t know if I can speak for all people with autism, but I can at least speak for myself in this, and what I would say is: Please don’t put me off because I happen to make an unfavorable first impression. I know that I am different, and that I carry myself and relate to other people in ways that are very different from most people, most of the time without even being aware of this. I know that these things might rub you the wrong way, or cause you to wonder, “What on earth is up with that person?” But I think that if you can get over this initial repulsion and give me the chance to prove myself to you over time, you will find that I am a worthwhile person after all.
BP: That is great advice. Any practical stuff will help others understand. Knowing you well, I’d only add in that it is good for people to give you time to think in a conversation and between when a question is asked and you respond. It is good for people to know that it benefits you to be able to think and prepare an answer. Actually, it is one of the things that I love about you. Most people don’t think about their responses enough. I think your autism asks extra time from you when posed a question or called to respond. When people know that the pause that they are hearing before you respond is when that “think time” is going on, it helps them to understand it.
JD: Right. And what I would say about this is that, just as I said in my last response, there are things that I say or do which are very different from other people. This is one of them. Again, I would say that if you can get over whatever initial repulsion you may feel and give me the chance to prove myself to you over time, you will find me to be a worthwhile person.
There are still some more questions, but that’s all the time we have for today. Stay tuned for the next installment, which will be coming your way shortly.
